Weight Loss

April 2, 2008 at 1:00 am (diets, disordered eating, weight loss) (, , )

I haven’t been doing any extra excercise lately, or conciously restricting my caloric intake. I have, however, been pretty sick, to the point of not eating. But when well enough to eat, I’ve been eating pretty fatty things– in large part a response to my enforced fasting, I think, and the fact that my body is trying very, very hard to recover and get well and needs to burn calories to do so. Despite that, I’ve been losing weight over the past few months.

I first noticed it, as I always do, in my breasts. I’ve gone down a cup size. And now my pants are too large on me as well, and some shirts with very snug arms now fit a bit better in the shoulder/upper arm area. When I look in the mirror I look different. Shirts on hang on me differently. I don’t know what I weigh. I don’t own a scale, and the few times I’ve stepped on one, out of curiousity, in some friend’s or family member’s bathroom, the needle has burried itself in the “lolfattylol” range of over 250 pounds. Just… thunk.

If I mention my weight loss to most people they congratulate me. “You must be so proud,” they say. But I’m not proud. I’m not doing anything to lose weight, and even if I were, why should I be proud of the size I am? How is that an important thing?

What I am, however, is worried. I’m something of a hypochondriac, so I lose weight without meaning to and my brain is all “OMG cancer! OMG thyroid problems! OMG tape worm! OMG YOU WILL DIE.”

I spoke with another friend of mine, who is also fat and who also grapples with positive self image, FA, HAES, and intuitive eating. She asked me if I started losing weight after I started eating more intuitively and yes, that’s when it started. When I finally let go of a lot of my hangups with food and started listening to my body, I started losing weight. I’ve been feeling healthier for a while now, eating a more balanced diet. I doubt I’ll loose MUCH weight… just get back to a lower point in my body’s natural range, which is still fat. But people tell me I’m looking better, that I must be proud. After all, I’m losing weight! Isn’t that fabulous?

I was sitting in the lunch room at work while a co-worker talked excitedly about finally fitting back into a pair of pants she hadn’t worn for sixteen years. Which means that she hauled these pants (and other articles of clothing) around with her every time she moved for sixteen years. For sixteen years, those clothes have been taking up closet, shelf, and drawer space. Instead of buying clothes that fit and look good on her, she’s been maintaining a shrine to clothes she can’t wear, for over a decade and a half. They’re nice pants, don’t get me wrong, but not worth wearing around your neck for sixteen years. She took a break from marveling over the new shape of her butt and thighs to congratulate another coworker on her recent weight loss. The other coworker tried to deflect the congratulations by saying she’d been really sick. “But you look so great! So thin!” “Yeah, I was really sick. I almost went to the hospital. It was awful.” “You must have dropped two pants sizes! You look so good!” “Uh… I couldn’t stop puking. Seriously. I thought I would die. I was so incredibly dehydrated. I burst all the blood vessels in my eye balls.” “Really really great! You’re so slender now! Your clothes are just hanging off of you!”

Because being thin is always healthier than being fat. Always.

I’m so glad I found FA.

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